Charmaine

2011-02-09

My Defining Moment

Today has once again been a slight struggle to let go of whatever it is that blocks my mind from being free to think to work and simply be, in peace. Do you ever have those days, when your not sure what it is, but something is making you feel like it all may be a bit much? Make you think your not enough.

Could be my own insecurities. Could be my own fears. Maybe other “powers that be” are in on it. Or maybe all of these put together.

It’s only been in my sleep that I’ve been able to escape my thoughts. Even then they seep into my dreams and on occasion I’m playing out my shortcomings in a vivid movie-like, sad dream.

Where this short insight into myself turns for the good, is here.

My shortcomings are my made up illusion, of myself.

You see i believe (in-spite of what i feel) that because Love Himself is in the equation of my entire life, it changes everything.

So, It’s irrelevant what i am or what I’m not.

Crazy isn’t it? How is it possible, you say? Well…It’s a simple matter of trust. One that i am still learning, painfully.

He IS my defining moment.

He is all that He says He is. So, I’ll simply brush these fears in my head away. Trusting that He IS bigger. I’ll stop trying to change my shortcoming’s, trusting that in my weakness He IS strong.

I’ll release the things about me. You. The world. My music, my friends, my family, my heart, my crazy habits, my failures, my career, my lack of knowing the future, my…everything.

He IS able.

2010-10-06

Like A Kid On Holidays

2010-06-01

A Whisper

I run to the wonders.
Surely you’re in the thunder.
I can't hear You speaking. Is this Your voice that I'm hearing:
"Can you find Me in the whisper"? ... from the song "Revolutionary Thought"

As a child, I traveled all over the world with my parent’s ministry, which meant I was mostly home-schooled from a tour bus. I never really watched a lot of TV but grew up listening to my dad’s stories. When my dad.... Read more http://tinylink.in/3AN

2010-04-12

Tied to the Ground

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart and there's no reason why I should have one. I think it may be the curse of simply being a woman, at least my dad would say so. I find that waking up in the morning is not a happy welcome. I love my sleep, but it’s not loosing sleep that I hate; it's the first thoughts that come to my head.

From the moment my brain begins to think,  it takes me to places I don't want to go: like what I have to do, where I have to be, what needs to be accomplished not just this day but this month, this year, my whole life!! My mum would say I take life too seriously :)

It's not that I don't find joy in my purpose; it's that I’m still a little girl who is looking at a big world with big expectations and find that I'm scared. I know that God is with me, but at times my insecurities get the better of me. So my morning is filled with all I feel I have to be, even want to be but with the sneaking suspicion that I don't have what it takes.

Why I still have the ache on my chest, beats me. It seems like my heart is still 'Tied to the Ground'…At the same time I feel guilty for not having more faith in the things I believe in. But then maybe this is what it means to be human; Fragile. Infant like tendencies. The spirit is willing, but this flesh is truly weak.

Feelings and circumstances are very deceiving. Because of past hurts and future worries, it seems like some mornings are filled with anxiety. I do pray, but at times it seems my prayer can only be…"I believe but help my unbelief.”

You must be thinking "Gosh, Charmaine-- so over dramatic!” I know! I must be! And I guess I do over think…but I know I’m not the only one.

Many of you have shared similar stories, and to be honest, there is no special formula I have to ease the constant worry. I think there is something to not forget which may help bring peace: Always remember what He has done for us in the past, so that we can look onward to the future with Hope. Mind of mine, rest. Heart, be calm.

The moon at night casts many different shadows, but alas the dawn has come!

2010-03-04

MARIA

So introvert can this life be. So focused on me can this culture be. So very engineered to feed my wants, and the tip of my finger able to access the world at anytime. Technology is a wonder, but the heart of man, thwart and selfish. I am a product of this culture; I'll admit. I can't escape complacency as much as I'd like to. This year has been a struggle with self, a fight against my own depression, a year of great expectations, and one of disappointments. This year has had all the ups and downs, as I'm sure yours may have had.

My saving grace was not found in the success of creating a brand new album nor in walking into new partnerships; it’s not found in all the new promising events of next year. No, it’s not found in those times or things.

My saving grace was found in Maria.

Maria is a 6 year old brown haired girl who lives in the slums of Peru. She showed me where she lived; we sang songs together…we played games. She never let go of my hand, unless it was to take my camera and take photos of me or her classmates. I gave her a baby doll which I think was her favorite gift! She looked up at me while we were at her school with some of her friends and asked me what my name was again. I answered, and it took her some time to get her little Peruvian tongue to say my name properly. But the moment she had it, she declared in her tiny/big voice that her baby doll shall be called "Charedmainee"!

I was honored.

We climbed so many stairs to reach her home, which was the middle level of a 3 story tiny building. As far as the eye could see her place was surrounded by buildings stacked upon one another just like hers. Her living room was also the family's bedroom and dining room. We opened up all her gifts; she was just ecstatic! To see her face light up with her gifts, was a gift to me.

Going on this trip with Compassion International has made my Maria's reality much clearer to me. I get it. She has nothing in comparison to me when it comes to money, housing, or food, and yet this little one has everything simply because she knows and will continue to know Love Himself. Of all the accomplishments this year, nothing compares to providing an opportunity for her to grow, to learn, to dream to see that Love casts out all fear and always makes a way even in the slums of Lima, Peru.

If you’re wondering, this isn't a pitch for you to sponsor a child through Compassion (If you do, that's awesome.) This is more of just me giving a glimpse of what's been on my mind. The good of this year does not compare to Maria's declaration of naming her beloved dolly after me. The bad of this year seems meaningless. She has shattered the false world I live in here in Nashvegas. The little 6 year old has opened my heart and mind to what really matters.

Love's reality is above this culture, this complacent mind, our gadgets and temporary highs and lows. Love's reality has woken me up from a deep slumber with restless dreams, to a morning filled with a light that has led me to chubby little hands that clutch mine, face to face with Maria, and by default, face to face with Him.